I asked Jess to write me a few words for day 3 of Baby Loss Awareness week as the theme is exploring the isolation that can be felt by wider family and friends.
Remembering Charlie and Joshua by Jess Darke, their younger sibling.
‘My brothers Charlie and Joshua turned 21 in September this year. We remember them by celebrating their birthday every year, we have a nice family meal and cake. Normally mum will make the cake and I will decorate it. This year we ate the cake at lunch, after mum had finished running 21 miles for the twins’ birthday.
We also have lots of pictures of them up all around the house, and we talk about them often. I am at university currently and when I was first getting to know my housemates, we were talking a lot about each other’s families, so I told them all about Charlie and Joshua.
We remember Charlie and Joshua in so many ways, as they have always been a part of mine and Sam’s lives.
It is Baby Loss Awareness month in October so I will be sharing more than usual over the next few weeks!
Baby Loss Awareness week starts on Friday 9th Oct and ends with the Wave of Light on Thursday 15th.
The theme for BLAW 2020 is Overcoming Isolation. babyloss-awareness.org
Twins Trust are a member of the Baby Loss Alliance.
“This year we are highlighting the isolation many people experience after pregnancy and baby loss – women, partners, other family members and friends.
The effect of social distancing from Covid-19 has had a major impact on access to care and support and has complicated grief and responses to pregnancy and baby loss.
Since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, feelings of isolation have become more widespread around the world and many people have begun to talk more openly about loneliness.
Now more than ever, we can all come together to let those affected by pregnancy and baby loss know they are not alone and that we are all here to support them.
So, this year, we invite everyone to come together, share their experiences and show their support for those who have experienced the loss of a baby – whether or not they have been directly affected themselves.”
I saw this tonight on Twitter and felt the need to share. It’s so true; it’s so hard to reach out when you’re feeling so broken. 💔
It took me 4 months to contact Sands and Tamba and even then, it was hard to phone someone I didn’t know…
I try really hard to be that person now that does reach out, even if I don’t know what to say or feel uncomfortable. I know from my own experience that saying something is preferable to saying nothing. It shows empathy and a willingness to try and understand. (I wasn’t always that person.)
I am really lucky that I have such lovely support from my friends and family which allows me to always remember and talk about my twin boys.
I am also very privileged to have a job where I can talk to so many bereaved parents and hear all about their precious babies, and hopefully help them by ‘reaching in.’
We always try to celebrate Charlie and Joshua’s birthdays and yesterday was no exception. I wasn’t quite sure how the Covid situation would affect the day but we had a lovely day.
We started bright and early, meeting at 8AM in my garden. There was a bit of a chill in the air but we knew we would warm up as soon as we started running.
Clare kindly gave me these lovely C and J biscuits which she had made.
They are very tasty.
You can catch up on our run in a separate blog post but this is my favourite photo from the 21 miles. It was a great run and a lovely start to the day.
After a much needed bath we then had a family BBQ. I am never very hungry after running long distances but I did enjoy the BBQ.
I was also able to catch up with all of the messages and what’s apps that I had received all morning. We opened a few cards and gifts.
My mum and dad had brought over some delicious cakes.
Dominic’s parents who are shielding sent us a few messages throughout the day, including this thoughtful candle photo 😍
My brother and family had brought over something for us the day before. My sister in law Adele, is very talented and did this for us.
I love it so much and I am very touched by it.
We then had my mum and dad around in the garden for some birthday cake. I made the cake and Jess helped with the decorating.
It was a lovely afternoon in the sunshine.☀️
Dominic and I then went to Jess’ university house to help her take the last few bits and unpack. It was the first time that Dominic had been to see her house. Here is her usual alcohol shelf photo!
Unfortunately we left her fridge and freezer bag at home so we plan to go again at the weekend (which I am very happy about!)
We finished the day once we were home by lighting some candles.
It was a busy day but we added to our memories and had lots of opportunities to think and talk about the twins, which is just how I like it.
I also managed to raise just over £100 for Twins Trust which will help us support other people whose twins and triplets die.
I have been overwhelmed with all of the birthday messages that I have had over the past few days. Thank you so much, they mean a lot. 🌟🌟
Despite knowing that I can run 21 miles I was still a bit apprehensive and nervous leading up to the run. My 18 mile ‘long run’ three weeks before had been hard from about 15 miles.
I had three friends join me for the socially distanced run- Rose, Clare and Natalie. We did it in three parts as we had to save the virtual Great North Run separately.
It was a really relaxed and enjoyable run and I loved every minute of it. I felt amazing for the whole run. We had lots of laughs along the route.
Dominic found us a couple of times along the route to take a few photos and I took a few selfies!
As you can see the weather was beautiful and got hotter as we came off the canal towpath at Kings Sutton.
This is my favourite photo of the run, where we were approaching the finish line. I suggested a jump so that Dominic could capture some flying feet…
Dominic had thoughtfully prepared a finish line as well as some very welcome cans of coke and some snacks.
I also achieved my target of raising a little bit of money for Twins Trust 🌟🌟
Thanks for all of your messages before, during and after the 21 miles. They were very much appreciated. A big thank you to my three lovely friends who joined me for the run and helped to make it such a special part of their birthday.
It’s hard to know what to buy for their birthday. I always like to mark the day by buying something special to add to my memories but even more so this year on their 21st.
As they were so tiny, 1lb 12 and 1lb 10, I like things to be small and delicate. I saw some flowers in resin that two of my friends had made for their babies anniversaries which helped me to decide. I chose to have two hearts made for them- one with Forget-Me-Nots and the other has Delphiniums. They are perfect as they are small and delicate.
They are currently homed near my Willow Tree figures 😍
Today I plan to make their birthday cake, find some cut flowers to take to the cemetery and eat plenty of carbs ahead of my 21 mile run tomorrow on their birthday! https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/sharon-darke5
Please like/ follow my page if you want to hear how I keep their memories alive.
We plan to visit the cemetery on Sunday which is their 21st birthday. So far we have got a pot to take with two little windmills. I like to take a pot as well as cut flowers so that they always have something on the grave.
I will also choose some flowers on Saturday to put in the vase 💐
I also wanted something else and found these cute little ornaments. I always like things to be small so these are perfect. I am not quite sure where they will sit yet but I am sure Charlie and Joshua would approve.
This time 21 years ago I had just started my first year in a Year 1 class. I had worked the previous three years since qualifying to be a teacher, in a Reception class at my first school in Northampton. The staff all knew I was pregnant with twins from pretty early on as I was so poorly but at that point very few parents knew.
We started as usual with an Inset day and I clearly remember being very uncomfortable. I had horrible back ache and had to keep moving to try and get comfortable. I thought it was a normal part of pregnancy but in hindsight I think it perhaps wasn’t.
It was a week after being back that my labour started on a Sunday evening at 25+6. So I was exactly 26 weeks the following day when they were born. The exact details are blurred so I can’t remember whether it was myself or Dominic who let my headteacher know that I wouldn’t be in.
I had great support from my school and teacher friends who sent cards and presents and updated the parents with our situation. My class at the time made a lovely book of ‘Get Well’ messages and ‘we hope your babies are ok’ which must have been posted to me as I remember looking at it in the hospital. It is really precious. After Charlie had died I remember having the realisation that I might be going back to school without either of my twins.
My school continued to offer great support with quite a few staff coming to the funeral but the thought of going back was so hard. I was supposed to be at home with my twins…
The emptiness of the house was just too difficult though and I thought I must have cried out all of my tears after a month of being at home! So I decided to go back, a month after the funeral, at the beginning of November. In hindsight I think it was too early but I just needed something else to do. It was ok actually- mostly, with the children being refreshingly honest and open about the fact that Charlie and Joshua had died. A little boy called Jordan called up the corridor ‘Mrs Darke, your babies died didn’t they?’ whilst a few horrified teachers looked on! A few of the children would draw pictures of me holding them too which are also precious memories.
I think my hardest thing was being in the staff room as it just felt like life was carrying on as normal which of course it was for everyone else. I also remember being in an assembly about Remembrance Day and feeling tearful, I wanted to get out without making a fuss but I was near the front…
Thankfully I had good support so mostly it was fine at school and it gave me something else to think about.
When I was pregnant with Jess not long after, my colleagues were so pleased and took great care of me so that I could finish that year before having Jess the following September.
Only a week to go until my twins 21st birthday… how is it 21 years ago since I went into premature labour at 26 weeks? Naively I thought they would be ok as long they were born alive which they were. I really hoped that they would be over 2 pounds but they weren’t.
I was so proud to be expecting twins. It felt really special. I love telling people that I had twins even all these years later.
I would have loved to know how it feels to be a twin mum but I only had a few weeks- and those were on a neonatal ward. I like to imagine though but only sometimes -as it’s hard.
September feels a bit tricky this year, not helped by Covid. Jess had a lovely birthday yesterday and Charlie and Joshua’s is next…
Then I am really not looking forward to both Jess and Samuel going to Uni, of course I want them to go and have an amazing time but I will miss them so much. There is also the added Covid worry as well as the type 1 diabetes. By October we will have an empty house 😔 Good job that Dominic loves my company 😂
I have bought some plants to put in a pot for the cemetery. We will make a birthday cake and have lunch together as a family. I am running my 21 miles in the morning with Rose and Clare which also feels a little daunting! I have also ordered some dried flowers in a resin heart like a couple of friends of mine, have also had made for their babies recently.
Charlie and Joshua's 18th birthday 🌟🌟 